Silicon Valley Boom Leads to Sex Bust

See why so many bright people are having such a hard time finding true intimacy and how you can avoid the same fate…

– – –

According to a recent article on Vocativ.com, the sex therapist industry in Silicon Valley is thriving because so many men in startups have trouble initiating and keeping relationships. Apparently, the drive to succeed in the hyper-intense world of startups squeezes out any time or energy that could be used for more mundane things like having a fulfilling relationship. And get this, these guys, for whatever reason, are still horny despite making love to their devices and code all day. So they are turning to sex therapists in droves to seek out help.

While this could easily be dismissed as some kind of silicon-karma reverse revenge of the nerds, there really is something more going on here beyond an institutionalized inability to get laid. And, unfortunately, what is endemic in Silicon Valley is becoming increasingly symptomatic in the rest of our culture. And that IS a problem, a serious one.

Interconnection and Connection are Not the Same Thing

At one point in my recent TEDx Talk I pull out my iPhone and point to it saying: “Without a doubt we live in the most digitally interconnected time of our species, yet how many of us truly feel connected with other human beings because of it?” And many in the audience that looked up from their frenzy of tweeting about this crazy guy on stage, got it.

What’s going on in Silicon Valley is just a more intense version of what’s happening to our culture in general. Most of us buy into the illusion of “connection” through our mobile devices. We think that somehow by keeping up with a constant stream of texting, tweeting, facebooking etc. we are actually connecting with other human beings. And the reason so many of us buy into that illusion is that it is safe. Within the vail of digital exchange we don’t have to reveal who we really are. Safe from judgement, safe from rejection, safe and distracted from living in the moment. These devices, and the apps that run on them, provide us with a very comfortable digital cocoon in which we can reside and interact with others yet protect us from the risks of being truly vulnerable and connected. What all those lovelorn guys (and gals, trust me –they are just as frustrated) need is a “Connection Therapist”, not a sex therapist.

Everyone Craves True Human Connection

The need for true human connection is hardwired into each and every one of us. But true connection requires us to be vulnerable and fully present for the other. And to be fully present and vulnerable means learning to live in the moment. One of the primary reasons that Silicon Valley is such a hot bed for this problem is that by the very nature of what they do, they are intensely future-based. When you are constantly striving to invent the future, there is no time or energy for the NOW –the only time that really matters (at least when it comes to relationships).

For the rest of society who are not so driven, pervasive distraction (mostly thanks to those guys in Silicon Valley, those bastards!) takes the place of future-thinking. And wrapping one’s self in the warm blanket of distraction is the surest way to not be present either for yourself or someone else. Distraction is the 21^st century version of Soma, the drug in Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World, designed to placate the masses with its constant release of stuporous pleasure.

So it seems that whether you are trying to invent the next Facebook or just get by we are all totally screwed, in a perverse non-sexual sort of way.

There is Hope

The answer is simple, but not easy because it takes practice and discipline that simply can’t be replaced with a pill, therapy session or clever app. But the good news is that every person on the planet has the ability to do it. They just have to want it bad enough.

If you think in terms of fundamental principles it is not that hard to get. Just as we need food, water and air to live, our hearts need being in the moment and authenticity. If you want a relationship that works at all levels (not just for sex) then it requires that both parties commit to and practice being fully in the moment with each other, no matter how uncomfortable that may feel at times. And you can’t do that when your head is trying to figure out the next great disruption, or buried in a smart phone.

It takes real eye contact that before you can have genuine heart connection. It means having your head take a backseat to your heart when you are with someone else you really care about. It requires putting someone else’s needs ahead of your own. It means transforming your anxiety of the future into the excitement of the adventure that awaits you both.

Do this and sex is no longer a problem. Instead it becomes just one of many sweet shared experiences that will remind you what you always really knew –living fully comes from the heart, not the head, stock options or the genitals.

Author’s Note: I did not write this article from the removed perspective of an ivory (or lesser) tower. In addition to being a writer and speaker, I am a serial entrepreneur who has launched several successful companies and is currently involved in helping a hearing startup grow aggressively in the national scene. Been there, done that, doing it.

– – –

image: DepositPhotos.com

The post Silicon Valley Boom Leads to Sex Bust appeared first on The Good Men Project.