This is the typical divorce story — one walks away with all of the financial security and the other gets the kids. I am the one with the kids, thank God.
I completely got the shaft with regard to the money. All I got was thanks to COVID, not the sexist, misinformed judge. Thankfully, the prices in the housing market inflated and helped me out…a ton. I refinanced the hell out of my house, paid off my ex, and my lawyer, and had a little in my pocket in order to help us survive.
Within a few months, the house was rented to a lovely young family who are learning what it’s like to live in the country. All this, while my things were put into storage and my daughters and I moved into town…and we learn what it’s like to live in town. Not my favorite scenario. But that’s what survival looks like right now.
That all being said, these past months have been pretty exciting. My son just got married. It was a wonderful day. Leading up to that day, however, were weeks and months of mental gymnastics for my daughters. And that was because my ex-husband was invited to the wedding. I mean, it is the kids’ dad, after all. However, he has been quite a peach these past few years and we are all (or have been) in extensive therapy to try to overcome and reprocess his abuse.
My son felt like it was the right thing to do. And he was not wrong. It was the right thing to do.
But none of us wanted him there. It was hard to know how to handle the seating and other arrangements. It was hard to know how to manage the dancing. It was hard to know what to do with each and every moment we would (and they would, particularly) come into contact with him.
I was prepared for the most part. I talked to my therapist and went through scenarios that I knew would happen. She helped me come up with responses and non-responses to him, as warranted. I felt fairly secure…yet not happy, to be sure.
But my daughters…that was a different story. I wasn’t quite ready to hear what they went through.
As listened as they prepared. It was heartbreaking to hear them try to come to conclusions about how they were going to be authentic with him. They are amazing girls and would not be fudging on their personal ethics. I am super proud of them. But it was hard. So very hard.
The wedding was exactly what my son and his wonderful wife had wanted. The church, the homily, the music, and the food were all just right. The weather even behaved and gave us temps in the 70’s after weeks of the 90’s. What a relief.
…
During the 13-hour drive home afterward, I got the download. I heard all of the stories as to how they avoided their dad, how they didn’t hug him when he came to them for his creepy full-body hugs, and how they didn’t spend any time with him. They didn’t dance with him during the reception. They kept to their friends and other, amazing family who were there. We were all so blessed to have so many great distractions.
The aftermath, however, has been interesting…and very financially frustrating. You see, a week after we returned home, my 3rd daughter had surgery for a large, invasive tumor in her jaw. The ex’s insurance ran out 2 days before her surgery. (He lost his job back in May…not surprising as he has no financial concerns anymore except himself) The courts did not mandate that he keep coverage for the girls, even though he is still to pay child support for several more years, even though it will no longer be garnished due to the fact he isn’t getting another job. The court stated that “$27 per child support check is allocated for health care costs”. That might cover half of the supplements they need for the two weeks it covers. Maybe.
But it doesn’t cover any of her surgery.
He didn’t get new insurance to cover them. Neither did he give me any cash for the surgeon, who cost me 4K out of pocket before the surgery even occurred. Lucky me, I had my house refinanced and had some money. Key word is had.
The other day, I was notified that he took his “golden child”, my first daughter, off of his car insurance policy. She was the last one to remain connected with him at all during the past three years. But now that is over as well. So, I now get to cover her car insurance, until she can, at least.
She was the first one at the wedding to refuse a hug from him. Because she knows the truth now. She knows that he is a delusional liar. She has her own copy of the DSM-5 as a Psych major. There is no keeping things from her anymore.
…
So, my life is getting more expensive. It’s all part and parcel of the life of motherhood. I get that. I’m not complaining. This is nothing compared with the imaginary pain I know I would experience if I had to live without my kids.
I found it interesting that there was a snowball effect following my girls deciding that they were going to be authentic with their dad. He did not get what he wanted that weekend. He wanted to see them, hug them, dance with them, and celebrate with them. And they denied him of that.
I am proud of them. I don’t think I could have done that at their ages. In fact, I am sure of it. They have the support of each other and they need it. Life’s twists and turns are truly unseen until they appear on the horizon.
We can never know what kinds of difficult decisions we will be called to make. Nor do we know the consequences. We can think it through and think we know.
But that is just our ego talking. I would know. Because that was me when I filed papers to divorce their dad. I was finally getting honest. I was finally facing the fact that I had made the worst decision I could have made regarding a partner. My ego and pride had been destroyed. My confidence in myself had been destroyed. And now it was finally time to rebuild.
I thought he and I were friends. I thought we were going to co-parent and share our lives together in some way. But that all went South one June morning. It had become a wildfire, completely out of my control.
I wish for something different. I wish I didn’t have to be living the consequences of his actions. But I am happy to be living the consequences of my children’s authenticity. The bank account has suffered, but my pride and confidence in them make up for that in spades.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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